"The only good thing that ever came out of Chicago was I-65 South.”
“The world around me is a tuxedo, and I'm a pair of brown shoes.”
"Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash."
"There are only three ways to sleep on a train: be dead tired, dead drunk, or just plain dead.”
"I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married."
"The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one."
“Why is it necessary to stand in line to deal with any branch of the government?”
"Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon."
"Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing."
“Pornography does, in fact, have an effect on men. I grew up thinking that all women had a staple in their navel."
"Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard."
"The greatest form of birth control known to man is a Bronx accent."
"First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are."
"How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?"
“There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.”
"I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff."
"I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence."
"My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck."
"There's a big difference between the words, ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don't have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don't have any clothes on - and you're up to something."
“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.”
“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”
"The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."