Saturday, December 31, 2011

Martini Making as a Survival Strategy

There was a story of an Air Force pilot who habitually carried a small bottle of gin and vermouth, a jar of olives, a mixing spoon, and a large metal cup in his survival kit.

His co-pilot asked him, "How would making a Martini aid him in survival?"

The pilot's response was pretty straightforward:  "If I ever crash and get lost in the jungle, I'll just sit down and start to make a Martini.  If figure that if I were to do that, then someone will come out of the bush and say, 'That's no way to make a Martini.'"

Martini drinkers are typically opinionated on how to make one.  They are hard to please.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Guide to American and Other Newspapers, Revised

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.   They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12.  The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is read by people who are embarrassed by the rest of Georgia.

13.  The Nashville Tennesseean is read by people who want their daily fix of UT, Vandy, or Tennessee Titans sports.

14.  The Baltimore Sun is read by people who still bask in the glory of H. L. Mencken and wince at The Wired.

15.  The Daily Sun is read by people who turn to the Page 3 girls immediately.

16.  Pravda is read by people who already had two stiff drinks of vodka to deal with the news.

17.  The _________ Shopper is read by bargain hunters.

18.  The Birmingham News is read by people who eat barbecue and talk without any accent.

[I added a few.]

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Douchebags of the Week VI

This week it's the Massholes. Let's face it, the Bay State sucks!  But especially its politicians.  And if you combine Massachuetts status with mailbox-bashing, you got a perfect storm of douchery!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Douchebags of the Week VI

The competition among members of the media for Douchebag of the Week is always spirited, with the NY Times editorial staff and the usual suspect journalists that trot out from time to time.  However, It behooves us to honor the Unholy Trinity of media commentator douchebags:

1.  Keith Olbermann

2.  Rush Limbaugh

3.  Bill Maher

Sean Hannity:  So sorry, but you're not a big-time douchebag yet.  You need some more seasoning in the Minors.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Douchebags of the Week V

This week it's Congress, for their collective failure to pass a workable budget.  This is a bipartisan disrespect.  And a special flip of the bird to John Boener and Nancy Pelosi, just on general principles!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Selected Quotations by Christopher Hitchens

Christopher Hitchens died yesterday.  He was 62.  He was a man of strong opinions that were forcefully and literately expressed; but he was a man of character.

Here are some thoughts of his to savor:

"Terrorism is the tactic of demanding the impossible, and demanding it at gunpoint." - Slate, 2002

 "[O]wners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realise that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods." - The Portable Atheist

"The four most overrated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics." - The New Yorker, 2006

"Every day, the New York Times carries a motto in a box on its front page. "All the News That's Fit to Print," it says. It's been saying it for decades, day in and day out. I imagine most readers of the canonical sheet have long ceased to notice this bannered and flaunted symbol of its mental furniture. I myself check every day to make sure that the bright, smug, pompous, idiotic claim is still there. Then I check to make sure that it still irritates me. If I can still exclaim, under my breath, why do they insult me and what do they take me for and what the hell is it supposed to mean unless it's as obviously complacent and conceited and censorious as it seems to be, then at least I know I still have a pulse. You may wish to choose a more rigorous mental workout but I credit this daily infusion of annoyance with extending my lifespan." - Letters to a Young Contrarian

"My own view is that this planet is used as a penal colony, lunatic asylum and dumping ground by a superior civilization, to get rid of the undesirable and unfit. I can't prove it, but you can't disprove it either." - God Is Not Great

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence." - Slate, 2003

The person who is certain, and who claims divine warrant for his certainty, belongs now to the infancy of our species."- God Is Not Great

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Douchebags of the Week IV

Our fitting awardee for this week is the government of Saudi Arabia, for its mysogenic policies, its lack of religious tolerance, and over all for being an aggregate of pricks who have failed to recognize that this is the Eighteenth century, much less the Twenty-First!  They have no sense of fair play, responsibility, or justice for outsiders, either.  I wouldn't go to that desert willingly!

If it weren't for the goddam oil, they could stew in their juices for all the world would care. 

Monday, December 5, 2011

Douchebags of the Week! III

Before other douchebags come into the fore, let's not leave uncited the entire motley cast of the Penn State debacle, including the Prez there and JoPa. 

Somehow, the safety of numerous children and the law was trumped in their thinking to the reputation of the athletic program and the avoidance of scandal.  But it didn't work:  the original problem, while grave, could have been handled in a credible manner.  But . . . . no . . . . they opted for the coverup!

Friday, December 2, 2011

SEC Championship

It is Saturday, December 3rd at 4:00 PM EST in Atlanta.

LSU Tigers 40 Georgia 14