Joe Bob Briggs on "Dysfunctional"

You notice how everybody uses this word "dysfunctional" all the time, like:
"You're dysfunctional!"

"I was in a very dysfunctional relationship."
(Translation:  he was a jerk.)

"I grew up in a dysfunctional family." 
(Translation:  we yelled a lot.)

But the ones that get me are the people who are PROUD of it.  They want you to know just how dysfunctional they are.  They'll tell you how they were SOOOO dysfunctional that it shaped their personality forever and so now they'll never be able to have a lasting relationship because blah blah blah and they keep changing the color of their hair because this dysfunctional thing happened and they're insecure now and blah blah blah and keep using this word, over and over again, like "I'm dysfunctional, and my FAMILY was dysfunctional, and I'm attracted to dysfunctional people," and after a while you wanna say "why don't all you dysfunctionals get up a softball team or something?"  As my grandma used to say, "That boy needs a hobby."

Anyhow, listen to me:

When you're 14 years old, MAYBE you can blame your parents for doing all this dysfunctional stuff that screwed you up.

When you're 34 years old, you are what's known in America as a "grown-up."

You can't blame it on THEM anymore!  Understand?

They might have screwed up the first 14, but the last 20 are YOURS.

This whole "dysfunctional" thing is some kind of psychiatrist deal, isn't it?  They invented it to make more money.

Cause we all know how life works, right?

You're born.

You make up a bunch of goals and plans.

You don't do any of em.

A bunch of stuff you didn't think of comes along and makes you into something you didn't wanna be.

You whine about being "dysfunctional."

You eat a lot of Mexican food.

You die.

This isn't anything new.  This is the way it's always been.

Get over it, okay?

I don't wanna have to explain this again.